every time

such mixed emotions.
my birthday approaches and i enter this peculiar stage
My mind experiences a combination sheer joy and a bit of fear.
this whole growing up thing is so strange.
22
twenty two?
Part of me thinks about how I'm just not ready to be "22".
I haven't figured it all out yet. This whole "life" thing and further more what exactly I'm going to do with mine. (career wise)
I mean I know what I want but it is not yet time for those things.
As much as I want it to be I must rely on the timing of my Savior and truth be told that is probably one of the hardest thing for me.
The whole trusting thing.
Trusting that my dream of having a family of my own will really happen.
Yep pretty darn difficult.

I still don't know exactly what I'm going to do after I finish school. I guess as a naive child I somehow thought by the time I was around 21 or 22 I would have these things figured out. Childhood was quite simple all major decisions were pretty much made for you. And then BAM you grow up and it's all in your hands. Of course your parents try to share the wisdom they have to guide you in your decision making but when it comes down to it you have the final say. Ahhh adulthood.

Lately I've been thinking about pursuing another job as a nanny or au pair. I really have that traveling bug! Ireland, Italy, or perhaps even back to Spain. Or maybe even a job stateside. Who knows?

I must say that when I do think about growing older I am yet again OVERWHELMED by the blessings God gave me in my 21st year.

Blessings that were wholeheartedly desired but absolutely undeserved.

I felt unbelievably blessed spending a semester living in England when I was 20. Little did I know that I would get the opportunity to experience life in Spain for a summer when I was 21. Sometimes I feel as if it were a dream.

My heart is so grateful for the many experiences the Lord has given me in my 21 years. That's where that sheer joy that I mentioned earlier comes it.
Thinking about all my beautiful experiences gets me so excited about turning 22.

I wonder what 22 holds for me. It may not be what I planned it to be but I'm still looking forward to finding out what the Lord has planned for me.

night
xo
-esther